TODAY IS DEDICATED TO ANTICANT
It is a day when everybody may be encouraged to LEAP up and down with their knickers in the air.
Come on Anticant get leaping.
Better than getting grumpy about the demise of the great Conservatives.

TOMORROW HAS A 75% Risk Factor
But mathematics has never ever been what is was today.
Although the majority of the so called global population have found their birthday to be on February 29th.

QUALITY SOULMATES INVESTIGATED
Internal investigations are going on right now concerning "Escort Services" and the quality press.
The only reliable comment so far is : " Lord Beaverbrook would never have gone in this deep."
Remember, you read it here first.

UK EARTH MOVES AND VIBRATIONS EVERYWHERE
Please, dear reader, do not fret.
The Duke of Westminster is safe and well.
Moral of this story?
Condom all the time and ya'll be ahlrat.

THE PEAT BEATS ON
Footfalls on Kinder
Up above the Fox Holes
Tramping and a camping with the mud-deep-days.
With a ...............

A BICYCLE? In Lapland?
Woke up this morning, a song in my head
looked out the window
And
Went straight back to bed.

Anyway ways the best photo caption wordy-wordy-thing will get a free bicycle holiday in a Winter Lapland Land.
So come on you lot give us an artistic caption or photo text.

HOW DOES ONE BEHAVE WELL IN A HOSPITAL?
Forgetting now those that enjoy the comforts of a hospital or a jail as being a kind of bed and breakfast treat ( who has never been there has never lived) it is educational to gather up bits and pieces of advice from those that understand this kind of management of spoiled identity.
So how is one to behave well during hospital overnights or days?
Dear blogger : do add your own thoughts and, of course, "experiences". We all love experiences.

As a starter :-
1) Never ever give a goosing to the nurse before you have been there for, at least, 8 hours.
2) When giving goosings always balance out the age ranges of the nurses and begin from the older ones.
3) Always adhere to the basics of the two S's. Shit and Shower and be seen to do this everyday. Then the goosings will look after themselves.
4) Always eat your food and say how wonderful it was with a thank you. Then more goosings are possible.
5) Never look at the naughty bits of the nurses until you have first made human contact ( usually getting an extra cup of this or that or an extra piece of cake.....)
Please send in your words of advice ( so many of this blogland group seem to relish the hospital experience) and we may then offer the EU governments words of advice too.

FINLAND APPLAUDS SPIRIT OF UK TAX REFORM
The culture of wickedness and pleasure, the binge culture that has come about due to the lowering of taxes and controls on things, is finally to be criminalised.
Bigger taxes are to be introduced for all the "City" gamblers, politicians expenses, wine allowences for the Church and PAYL ( pay as you leave) playboys.
At last the spiritual reform for the working classes is made possible, says one high cultural official.

BREAKING WIND-E-NEWS
Sales for Hogarth works on the increase.
Gin Lane most popular says art expert.
High Culture for all?

ONE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS
There is a season to turn and turn towards a kind of classical respect if only to avoid the inevitable boredom of false-freedoms and idle idolic play. It is, indeed, readers of this well respected blogsite that demand a spade be called a spade and evermore shall be so. With the good readers in mind I offer a little bit of an essay from my student days. It was an essay that I had wanted to write but could not. It was to form an impression on me. It was, as if, there was, at last, something to live up towards. ( it was as if a kind of rhetoric was essential in both politics and life ). The quote is :-

" In the shallow water along the beach, raindrops are splashing ; a cool and moist wind fusses in the damp trees, which glow leadenly like dead fish. The devil has spit in the soup......... "

The writer of this piece of beauty mixed with truth gave me something to touch when poetic discourse was out of fashion.
One day I will write a little something like that if i can.
One day.
Until then I must remain with a mere intent and a punkish-social and poetic rationality on the fault-lines.
Fuck me it could be worse!!!

GAP YEAR(S) AWAY FROM STUDENTHOOD
I really must write about those "gap years".
Problem?
Cannot remember that much.
But I am sure I could do it with a little help from my friends.

DECISIONS ON BIG (T)ISSUES
I came out of that weekend as a reflexive reflecting person.
Many came up to me and said that they thought this was good for me.
So I went to the toilet and sat down for awhile.

I was not quite sure if it was to be a fart or a shit.
Best be safe I thought.
You see this reflexivity and reflective awareness of the past really helps.

Have you ever had shit in your pants?

USA TARGETS MOON WITH NEW MISSILE
President George W Bush wants to mark the end of his tour of duty with a humanistic bent.
Using the latest technology in missiles the USA targets the moon and says that it will blow up this beast into tiny fragments for the benefit of Mankind.
A Bush aide said : " Too many people suffer from this moon... from headaches thru to hairy hands .... our President wants to show his humanitarian streak. "

THE HEMLOCK FACTOR
Our poor old Socrates is under, yet again, more political bytes.
Recently it was said that the Socrates take on knowledge was to blame for those Rums-Do-Melt excuses for the war against humanity.
Now, I ask you : Was our poor old Socrates saying that " wisdom lies in the institutionalisation of ignorance."???

DUE TO PUBLIC DEMAND A STATEMENT IS NECESSARY
After various tabloid-type comments that fly around and then grow as the gossip grows I must say something before I burn.
Yes : I have been to bed with a cat.
No : I have never been a member of any Trade Union.

Yes : I have shaved a pussy.
No : I have never been a member of any Trade Union.

SONGS OF INNOCENCE AND WORKING CLASS THEOLGY
What follows drips with memory. Maybe a few words here and there mistaken but the mainsail is up for the wind.
A pub and folk was all that was needed and one such song springs to mind :-

I'll sing you 12 oh red goes the noses so
12 for the 12 apostles
11 for the eleven that went to heaven, and
10 for the ten commandments.
9 for the nine bright shiners
8 for the April rainers, and
7 for the seven pints I have had, and
6 for the pack in the sack.
5 for the symbols on your door, and
4 for the brewery workers
3 three the wino's
2 two the same to you - hows yer father, alright, hows yer mother, shes tight, hows yer sister, she might
One is one too much and ever more shall be oh.

Sincere apologies to any sensitive soul that finds any poor mistake I have made to be abusive to their selves.
But considering the many musical souls that sometimes peek into this site I am sure that such mistakes can be corrected.

BREAKING WIND-E-NEWS
Conned-You-Sleezy-Nice has made a pact with Hilarious Clitoris.
Comment from from Billy-Willy-Boy was " This really sucks but it pays".

RUMBLINGS FROM EDUCATION. UK.Inc Ministry
Thousands of reports and research papers have finally been noted and a basic pattern has emerged. Since education became a Culture Industry the education has worked very very well indeed.
Critical awareness, poetry, history, philosophy and all that have finally been shelved as a Classical Relic.
Training, training and more training has been the result.
This was the target and bullseye. Success.
Management training psycho-babble has won the culture wars.

Today the Ny Labor management group, with Blair and Brown, Thatcher and the underlings, get ready to dance their dance and celebrate.
But it is hard to dance with the devil on your back.

NORWICH CITY FC BRINGS FOG ON THE TYNE
Season ticket holders from Norwich City FC are being rewarded for their trust in this historic community. A 10% value-added Christmas present is in store for all.
A certain K.Keegan is quite pissed off again and is throwing a tantrum. He was heard yelling that : " The grey haired one was not a virgin as I know it and should be sunk in the waters of the Tyne."
But help is on the way. A certain Hilarious Erectable Clitoris is frothing at the mouth in her bid to keep the UK wet-sports together. She said :-
" The UK is the mother of all democracy and we, here in the United States, are ready to re-unite you all through our progressive investments."

From Football to Darts
Just a little story.
I was only 15, only 15, I was too young to know.
But I was on the winning team and we celebrated.
But first things first.

There were two young lads on the team list. I guess today this would be cackled as an Academy. Two young lads of 15 playing football with old men that looked to be, at first sight, past it. Anyway I was one of those young lads at 15 and I was on a high. Playing for my home town ( under 16s) we had kept Frankfurt to a draw of 1-1. That was a big deal. Thought myself to be a hero. But that was the youth team. I was getting grilled into an adult team and just to look at them hurt.

Back to training. The old-fart centre-half began tackling me. He wanted me to learn how to keep my legs intact. But he spared no force. Anyway I was selected for my first big game with the adults. Shit that was the first time that i had ever followed orders and shit I was nervous. This adult team gave me hell. I just wanted to play football. No more the youth team here. ..... but I wanted the hero....
Then I began to learn a bit and a piece.

The big boys had helped me survive many months of hell and heaven and they had carried me through ( I was learning?) and our last game was a kind of crunch and punch and no holds barred type of thing. I got my nose broken but we won the game.

Celebrations. Weekend night. Visit to pub first and then posh dinner. I was already out of my depth. At the pub we played darts against some local team ( no idea of the real facts) and our football team were giving me hell again as I was nervous to even be in that pub at 15. I was the guy that needed a double to win against the locals. I thought everybody was as pissed as pissed as can be because I could hardly understand a word they were all saying. I threw the dart. Double 20. In one dart. Then I got lifted up and thrown and tossed around until I was really made to understand the significance of this double 20 throw. The beers were paid for by the local pub and there were many of us. Even the magic sponges and the administration lot were there. Now I was a hero. Luck and fate works that way sometimes. Sometimes. All gets blurred.

Pub was closed and the restaurant open. It was one of those places that would accept drunken football players at that time. It was Greek.
All of a sudden I was asked to order.
Deliver de liver I demanded as the adults laughed and the waiter glared.
Then I was told to behave myself by the big centre-half of the team.

All this is just sentimental sentencing of the experience, anchored and recorded. All this is cods! But true.
What can be said and done?

Darts is a game that is played on the margins. The end is always on the margins.
The centre is sometimes ok too but the margins is really where it is at.
The margins.
That is why I remain happy with the outside.
That is why I remain enthused with the borders.
That is why I have still so very much to learn.

I really do miss that old centre-half yelling at me to keep a line.
I miss the whole team as a fifteen year old would. But I am not 15.
I remember that it was the Centre-half that guided me into another level of football, the same man that yelled and knocked me about. The same man that, with a much balding head later said "Hello, remember me?".
I did.
How can a centre help the margins? Do you really need to ask?

IT IS LENT FOR THE PENITENT
Just as I getting ready to refuse all the joys and the toys and the dreams of Springtime - just as Lent empowered me to cut to pieces my credit card - I thought again. ( such is what Lent is for and better than pratting around in the wilderness).
I learnt of an "Ex-Policeman buggering an MP" and a smile came to my lips as my Lent and penitent future collapsed.
This is not for the first time.

FINDING A CENTRE : WHAT IS MONDAY FOR ?
What a day. Did the washing of the clothes and a bra strap got caught in the total machine. Round and round went the bloody great wheel caught and caught the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder seals.
What is a Monday for we ask.
If it is not for this kind of fiasco?

Sori for the lack of Swans today but now i understand what Homer tried to say to me. Oh how he suffered for his sanity.
Blame it on the bra straps I do.

SUNDAY MORNING SWAN

DEMOCRATIC CULTURAL COMMUNICATION
As it is February, a new month, a new moon a'coming and the Water Melon Man coming out of the cupboard -- thought i would try to be nice and kind to the younger bloggers.
There is something about The Swans that makes us all just want to blog.