FAQ-FAQ-FAQing : In THE SAUNA

By popular request ( the Yellow Duck keeps quacking on about needing information on the sauna and Finland ) here is a piece that ought to help those that have not yet experienced the joys and sorrows of sauna.

Is sauna a Finn-Thing? -- Of course it is. Only one of those strange beings from Sweden would say otherwise. Swedes say they invented "Bastu" which is their funny way of saying sauna. If anybody asks this question a good blue and white full blooded Finn will question your IQ level and your birth status. Take care here.

Is sauna a steam bath? -- No. Unless you have as your bible Websters or Americanised versions of reality then just believe that a steam bath is not a sauna!!! In fact sauna is not even a bath. It is a kind of cabin with benches to sit on and a hot fire-type place for the stones to heat up from either electric heaters or ( far better) a wood fire. Anyway it has nothing to do with steam or baths. However a sauna may be sometimes a smoke sauna. This smoke sauna is one where you get wonderfully dirty with black wood-smoke markings as you try to clean your body through the activated sweat glands. Strange? Yes. Fun? Yes. Anyway steam baths are for namby-pampy city-gents or Turkish type delights.

Is a sauna too expensive for me? -- Oh no. You may have one at the bottom of your garden if you wish and pay little or nothing for it. You may make one for the day in the forest. You may even make an eco-sauna in the wilderness by catching rain in a kind of tent-top and making a fire underneath and then wait for steam to go away and then sauna begins. But this will not please Finnish business. Electric saunas are a good export for Finn business. Wood sauna has not been a good export because most of those who have the consumer money have no wood. But rumour has it that Finn business is trying out ways to use excretion for fuel. But I smell something fishy here to say the least. Cow shit? Peat? Bullshit!

Is it true that a sauna is heated above 100 degrees C? -- Yes. Sauna is not steam and it is not a wet atmosphere. Sauna is a dry atmosphere. Over boiling temp for water is OK. Some Finns will entertain visitors with a very hot sauna ( 120 degrees or even more!!!) and then, if you are a visitor, you must take extra care. Next step by Finns is to give the visitor advice. They tell you to throw hot water onto the stones if you are too cold. They tell you to throw cold water onto the stones if you are too hot. Many believe this and do it. It is getting hotter all the time of course but why let the truth stand in the way of a good story.

Is sauna healthy and good for kids? -- Yes. Kids from a few years old are regular sauna folk and learn sauna culture from a very young age in Finland. In fact the sauna was one place where rural women would actually give birth. Sauna is clean and free from infections ( unless you get too many foreign visitors who fart in the sauna - which is something one simply does not do) and there has been, in generations past, many kids born in sauna. Young kids also learn from an early age to handle the dangerous hot sauna with respect. In the UK there would a super-nanny needed to supervise or a law against such a dignified childhood.

Does one have sex in the sauna? -- Oh dear me. Hoped you wouldn't ask that on a blog site as there are the laws of decency involved here. But i try. When sauna is mildly warm sex is sometimes had in sauna. When sauna is raging and hot then sex is not a good idea unless you wish to feel dizzy or giddy and collapse at even the sight of your partners naughty bits. You can always tell if people have just had sex in sauna because they have the wooden bench marks on places likes knees, back or even, for some, the chin. However, in London and strange places like that, it is rumoured that a sauna place is a sex place but the problem there is to find the actual sauna.

Has anybody died in the sauna? -- Yes. Many. It is common for weekend sauna folk who have had a bad week at work to die in sauna. If you are suicidal then take this advice. First get pissed off about life. Second drink yourself into stupor. Third go to sauna. Finally allow the heat to send you to sleep. Then die as a dehydrated little thing. The Finnish government does not approve of this I must say. Damn it another resource gone to dust!

Do people really whack themselves and others with ceder or birch twigs? -- Yes. The bunch of twigs is tied together and used for hitting the skin to improve sweating and cleanliness. For those that are not satisfied with this there are extra sessions ( organised by the Catholic Church ) where whips and even cat o'nine tails are available to provide cleanliness, tough love and to help the path towards salvation. But most folk today make do with a rough sponge. Most Finns however are either good old heathens or attached to Luther and that lot.

Are there any problems with sauna? -- Yes. The male testicles have been known to get badly caught in the holes between the wooden planks of the sitting bench. The heat you see moves the wood. Testicles get caught. Cannot get up. The Finnish Fire Service has often been called out to help in such cases. This is a problem for males that do not look after their testicles in sauna. Oh yes another thing. If you make a sauna and use the wrong stones on the fire it could be explosive but due to the new anti-terrorism laws this site is not allowed to tell you more details here. Oopps : I do not want to get banned from my own blog site do I?

Is sauna a good place for a Duckie to be ( or become )? -- Ducks have been known to use sauna for winter resting. However usually the ducks will gather around sauna during the summertime. They help the atmosphere when sauna folk go outside for a beer and a breath of fresh air. Ducks get fed that way too and the kids love it.